Letting your adult child live with you was the right thing to do. You were only really obligated to provide 18 years of rent-free room and board, but you went above and beyond. Unfortunately, they’ve overstayed their welcome, and you’re ready for them to get a place of their own. Perhaps you’ve broached the conversation to no avail, or maybe you’re just too midwestern to directly tell someone when their time is up. Whatever you’ve tried, it’s clearly not working, and you’ve had one too many “who put this empty milk jug in the fridge” moments for this to continue. Worry not, sweet parent. These fool-proof tips are sure to move your adult child to pack up and ship out.
1. Embrace a “Clothing-Optional” Lifestyle
The young adults of today fear only two things: climate change and their parents’ bodies. While fear of climate change may be part of why your adult child can’t find the motivation to strike out on their own, seeing you in your underwear will light a wildfire under their behind. Liberate yourself from the confines of your jeans and don a more casual, underoos-only look at home. Watching a movie? Undies only. Dinner time? Let them feast their eyes on their future form. By day three, they’ll be staring at the ceiling, explaining to you that they love you but think it’s time they found a place of their own. Once they’re gone, you may find you don’t want to go back to clothes in the home.
2. Learn the Oboe.
There are few sounds as upsetting as the deathquack of an oboe played by someone who doesn’t know how to play an oboe. “Accidentally” “misplace” your adult child’s noise canceling headphones, pick up a used oboe on craigslist and get squeaking. Have long chats with your adult child while constantly wetting your reed. Dedicate two hours a night to practicing “Hot Cross Buns” in a room adjacent to your adult child’s room. If they complain, simply respond with “Lol, hashtag Oboe Life!” Within a week, your adult child will realize they need to move on, and who knows – maybe you’ll get good at the oboe!
3. Fake a Haunting.
Bribe the neighbor children with candy to dress up as haunted twins. Hide them in your adult child’s closet. At 4:43 AM start playing an antique music box through the air ducts, and have the neighbor children open the closet door, and slowly walk to your adult child’s bedside while repeating their name in unison. Your adult child may think it’s a dream, so make sure the neighbor children leave a token – a spitty lollipop, a baby rattle, an antique music box – at the foot of the bed. When your adult child brings it up, get very quiet, and let them know about “The Twins” who died in your house one hundred years ago. Let your adult child know that they’re harmless, unless they speak your name – in which case they’ve chosen you to host their spirits so that they may freely walk the living Earth once more.
4. Invite 90s Cinema Icon Pauly Shore to Live With You
When 90s cinema icon Pauly Shore jumps into your adult child’s bed at 8 AM on a Sunday shouting “Hey buuuuddy,” they may think it’s fun at first. But it will soon become tiresome. With an unending flurry of dated catchphrases, the 53-year-old Pauly Shore will force your adult child to accept that they have outgrown the 90s, and should no longer live like they did in the 90s. Be careful, though. When your adult child announces they’re leaving, the Bio-Dome star may think he gets to stay. Getting rid of Pauly Shore isn’t easy. Stay tuned for our future blog “25 Tips For Getting 90s Cinema Icon Pauly Shore to Move Out.”
5. Bribe Your Adult Child.
Tell your adult child you’ll give them $500 if they’ll move out. We’re pretty sure your adult child would do just about anything for $500, including strike out on an independent life path. When you consider how much money you spend on snacks, electricity, and water, $500 is actually a bargain. This bribe will pay for itself in a matter of weeks. Once your adult child has moved out, you’ll be able to enjoy a refreshing peace and a newfound relationship with them. All the Totino’s Pizza Rolls will be yours, and you’ll finally be able to play Xbox Live yourself.
Make Your Adult Child’s Move Easier with Banana Box
When your adult child is finally ready to go, do them a solid and make their move easier with moving boxes from Banana Box. Banana Box will drop off your adult child’s moving boxes at your home and pick them back up from their new place, ensuring a smooth transition into an independent life. Banana Boxes are eco-friendly, so your child won’t spiral into a climate-based existential crisis the night before the move and back out. Give yourself the gift of an empty nest and give your child the gift of a stress-free move, all at once, with Banana Box. Book your adult child’s moving boxes today at https://bananaboxes.com/product/single-room/.